i'm plagued by darkness.lol. (no, really though)

Actually, I'm only sort of plauged by darkness, but I thought that was a funny little one liner.

Sometimes, life hurls so much at you, with such powerful force, that there is nothing left to do but go on autopilot till it passes. That's what life has felt like latley. Our family has doubled, our bills have risen, the difficulty level in school has multiplied (little math joke for you there, hardy-har), work is piling up (although the raises never seem to come...interesting...), and all the while, my path to self-discoverly is still the road less traveled. Good thing self-discovery is always just around the corner.

I speak of going on autopilot not to spew cliches, but because I don't know if humans have any other option when the going gets insanley tough. I was told that I need to moderate and gain control over my thinking of obsessive thoughts, re-living situations, etc. Unfortunatley, I'm afraid I've gone in the exact opposite direction that was intended. Instead of doing the work I need to be doing in moderation, every time an unpleasant thought from my past creeps up I immediatly tell myself "not now". I went from experiencing everything back to pushing it into a hard, angry little ball deep in my bowels (where it belongs).

When the asshole stops working though, the whole operation shuts down, and shit will spew out of other places. Like my mouth. The eyes. The heart twill turn black and bitter, and joyful sounds will fall on deaf ears. I've become pretty accustomed to wading through the heavy, gray sludge that is my dulled anger, that I'm not sure how I'd go about lifting this dense weight off of my chest. I'm positivley terrified to talk to my mother. There have been a few times I've seen missed calls on my phone from her and I can feel that intense, physically dizzying surge of adrenaline rish to my temples, make my hands go damp, agitate me.

And there's the topic of children: I must be crazy to want them. It's inevitable I'd destroy them, or if I don't destroy them, they will surley come out damaged and full of nerosis and phobias. How does anyone come out of this alive? I'm shocked at how quickly my temper snaps. I've always been so patient and understanding. Now I can't be bothered. I'm arrogant and unfeeling, without sympathy. I thirst for vengance, for blood. I wish to see the men of this world who hurt, rape, steal and destory women and their children burn, and scream, bleed, starve, feel humiliation and despair. I want them to experience the unbearable emotional distress that they feel is their right to inflict upon others. I have this idea in my head that once those wrongs are righted then I will be righted as well.

This will never, ever happen though. I can't change the way of men, the way of the world. Nor can I keep turning my rage inward, destroying ymself in the process.

Where is peace?