The name of the game...

Or in this case, the name of the blog. Or to go into even more detail, the description of the name of the blog.

I jokingly said that this blog was an exploration of my need to self destruct with food, cigarettes and occasionally, alcohol. I didn't know that the true exploration, the part that those who read this blog don't see, was going to be such a terrifying and harrowing road to go down. I'm at a point now where I can't turn around. It's not so much that bridges have been burnt, but more like I've finally realized what a precarious, dangerous road it was to begin with, and now, far in the distance, I can see my own Utopia, and turning around and going back would be certain death.

Well that sounds awfully dramatic, doesn't it? The sad part is, every day it feels that dramatic. Although Utopia sounds and looks, well, Utopian, I don't know how much of this journey is left ahead of me. Lately, it seems like every time I turn around I'm dodging falling rocks, digging my way out of avalanches, and doing battle with those I hold dear in my heart. I'm stepping in landmines, terrified of being alone, and second guessing my every move, thought, and motive.

Not that there haven't been some fantastic discoveries along the way. I'm actually forging a relationship with my middle brother, with whom I've never had a real brother-sister bond with. I'm also discovering what true hunger is, and lo and behold- my appetite is normal. It's my emotions that got in the way. By realizing that I am an adult, who works for her own money and buys her own food, I've discovered that it is truly in my power to eat whatever I want until I'm full. This is an unbelievable realization for me. I used to diet, either by way of counting carbs, fat grams, calories, or all three. I'd find low carb, low fat or low calorie foods, and I'd binge on them. There were so many foods I didn't eat (see my post about trigger foods for a full description), because I was afraid that when I ate them, I'd lose control. Instead, I'd find a 'good' food, and go completely overboard on it. I was never addressing the problem of why I overate, I just found foods that were 'acceptable' to overeat.

It's not that I haven't had setbacks, especially when I'm pmsing. But now, when I do have a binge, I generally can name the reason why I am binging, and I also try not to beat myself up for it. Although I'd have to say I've come a long way.

My best friend, her child and her dog are living with Dean and I right now, under circumstances that, out of respect for her privacy, I won't go in to, suffice to say she's going through some pretty heavy emotional growth of her own right now. However, I digress.

My friend is from Texas, the land of chicken fried steak, Frito pie, and Texas toast. She's made these things upon moving in here, which was a big, scary test for me. I tell myself though, that when she does make them, that there is no need to continue eating once I'm full- I can take my uneaten portion for lunch, or ask her to make it again. Simple right? I'm amazed it took me 28 years to realize this. I feel so much better too. I don't want to take a nap after dinner, or become possessive of my plate if Dean wants to sneak a bite. No matter what I eat, there will always be the opportunity for more.

I've had a mind shift when it comes to exercise also. I have bad knees, which I blame on both my weight and sports injuries from my younger days. Since moving back to Colorado, I find that if I don;t exercise at least every other day, my knees start to ache, sting, and pop- especially after extended periods of sitting or when I wake up in the morning. I'm trying to look at exercise not as a chore I need to suffer through, or even a necessary evil for weight loss. I use it as a painkiller (2-3 hours of exercise per week equal me not being in pain 24/7), and also time to zone out and watch TV, listen to music or read a book.

Anorexics and bingers restrict food and overeat because they feel it is the only thing they have control of in their life. By getting control of other parts of my life- addressing my emotions, my procrastinating, my ADD tendencies- I've found that I get so much more enjoyment out of food I enjoy that satiates, as well as excercise being time for me to be with myself. And for that, I am glad.